


Texting Traumas

by Verl



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Dying in a murder game sucks, Gen, Living after it is almost worse, Texting format, the others are mentioned but it's these two idiots talking the whole time, vr au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22887808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Verl/pseuds/Verl
Summary: Kokichi.yeS?Why are you acting like I’m a person now?BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE?WE BONDED THROUGH TRAUMAWith the 53rd season over, the lucky 'participants' get to try living outside the only reality they can remember.Clearly texting one another is the only real help they need!someonegetthemintherapy
Comments: 10
Kudos: 80





	1. Chapter 1

**Monday**

no one’s seen or heard anything out of you in ages  
SO I HAVE BEEN SENT  
TO ANNOY YOUR INHUMAN ASS  
UNTIL YOU ANSWER ME  
i can do this all day  
im srs.  
everyone else pussies out when you stonewall  
BUT NOT ME  
FOR I KNOW HOW TO BE A GOOD BOSS  
AND HOW TO GET MY MINIONS TO ANSWER ME

I’m not your minion.

wow that was faster than expected  
i didn’t even need to call you a roomba  
Oh and i lied  
ONE ANSWER IS NOT ENOUGH  
Gonna have a whole conversation  
So shuichi stops RIDING MY ASS ABOUT YOU

I thought Rantaro said you liked Shuichi riding your ass?

THE ROBOT IS SASSY  
good. was getting a little worried  
usually you’d at least answer spacecase by now

Sure. This is when you go ‘That’s a lie!’, right.

you have pierced my poor fragile heart with your cruel unfeeling words  
Only a robot could be so very cold  
of course i was worried you asshole

It’s okay, you can go buy a printer and call it Keebo.

???????  
What’s wrong

Nothing?

YOU DON’T JOKE ABOUT BEING A ROBOT  
EVER  
SO WHAT THE HELL

What, it’s not funny when I go along with it?

IT REALLY ISN’T  
WHY ARE YOU CALLING YOURSELF A PRINTER  
Hey  
hey  
hey  
heyx50

Stop.

u know what will make me stop

A hydraulic press?

ow that’s just mean  
y u so me to me keeboy

You asked the question.

I did  
So. what’s. Wrong.  
I will not be put off by nasty reminders!  
I can be strong!  
for u  
ANSWER ME YOU HUNK OF JUNK

Well you see there’s this guy, who keeps texting and calling me a toaster and it’s really dampening my mood.

I DID NOT CALL YOU A TOASTER  
today  
u know i’m kidding right  
Keebs  
You do know that?  
Right?????

Is it kidding if I agree with you?

WHY ARE YOU AGREEING WITH A BIG FAT LIAR  
STOP THAT  
YOU’RE MEANT TO BE SMART

I’m meant to be a lot of things.

shit  
Can people visit you  
now  
Right now  
Doesn’t have to be me if u want someone else

No. I'm fine, it's just a bad mood.

WHY NOT  
CLEARLY YOU NEED SOMEONE

Ownership conflicts.

????  
WHAT  
DO  
YOU  
MEAN

And this is why I was ignoring you all until it got sorted.

PUT YOUR EXPLANATION MODULE IN AND EXPLAIN ALREADY

You’ve got enough of a conversation for Shuichi, you can stop caring now.

wow you really think that little of me. that actually hurts a bit  
That’s a lie, obvs  
explain right now or i’m screenshotting that and sending it to EVERYONE  
you will drown in worried texts  
It’ll be like there’s 14 of me  
YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE

You’re not my worst nightmare.

darn i thought i was  
not wiggling out of answering that easy  
I will send it  
5  
4  
3

Don’t.  
I need a minute.

I’ll give you two cus im so nice

If you tell anyone this I’m blocking you.  
I’m serious.  
You will be on the list of people I cannot forgive.

you have a list like that!  
who’s on it  
wait no i think i know

Are you done?

yessssssssssssssssssss

Alright. So the ‘characters’ we were made into belong to Danganronpa. They own all the rights to them...us...whatever.

cus we signed our rights away like dumbasses! thank you for the reminder, i say as i drink from a cup with my face on it.

You have your own merch? In your HOUSE?

don’t judge me it was free. and purple

Too late. Judging has happened.

hey stop trying to change the subject

Well you guys all had to sign something to that effect. I didn’t. I was borrowed under false pretenses, basically. They wanted to ‘explore the possibilities’ of using a robot. They didn’t get the go ahead to actually do it.

can you dumb that down

Danganronpa basically stole me from the lab and got to cover it up by having a ton of money.

that hive of scum and villainy. What does that have to do with YOU and OWNING

I was getting to that.

sorry

No you aren’t.

true

Since I’m not a human who has rights to sign away they’re claiming I rightfully belong to them. In my entirety.

pardon

I think I was relatively clear.

how are you typing so CALMLY??????  
THE FUCK

It’s fine. Most of my coding and design is all on file here at the lab, they just messed with my head a little and let me live out my worst nightmare. I just have to stay out of sight until it’s done with.

You’re talking about your CODING?  
WHY DOES THAT MATTER

You said it lots of times.

you should be able to just tell them to screw themselves??? you have a home???

I’m not a person. So my feelings don’t matter about who owns me.

I’M GOING TO FILL THEIR HEADQUARTERS WITH FAKE CHEESE  
WHO OWNS YOU?  
NO ONE??? NEEDS TO OWN YOU?

Welcome to robophobia, actually a problem edition.

can’t we do something  
like i make fun of you for not being a person  
but it’s not like  
sorry

I’m used to it.

yur making me feel worse

It doesn’t matter. The lab will show enough proof and I can go back to pretending I don’t exist completely at the whims of humans. So don’t panic everyone.

can all of us crowdfund our royalty checks to buy you

Please don’t joke about that.

DID THEY TRY TO BUY YOU???????  
you can’t say that  
and not ANSWER

They still are. The lab could get quite an income if they agree. Or they get to lose money legally proving they own me.

fuck im sorry

If I was worried about it I would have said something.

uh you know it’s fair of you to be worried?  
i’m worried?

I can be as worried as I want, it wouldn’t change that I don’t really have a say in this.

HEY  
THAT SOUNDS LIKE UNHEALTHY COPING  
STOP STEALING MY THING

I’m fine.

NO YOU AREN’T  
CAN’T LIE TO ME  
I’M THE MASTER OF LIES

Well that’s why I can’t see anyone right now, and I couldn't think of a reason so I went with ignoring. Make up some lie about repairs or something.

you really don’t want me to tell anyone this

I made that very clear. Don’t tell anyone.

like this is super screwed up? they should know?

So they can worry for no reason over something they can do nothing about?

keebs  
are you sure

You can tell everyone if they buy me. Since I’d probably lose my phone if that happened.

?????????  
YOU STILL THINK THAT’S A POSSIBILITY  
AND WANT TO HIDE IT  
WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

It’s a lot of money. I couldn’t fault them if they took it.

you couldn’t fault them MY ASS  
i’d fault them so hard we’d have a new continent

Being human has its privileges.

YOURE ALLOWED TO BE UPSET  
Kaitos better at this crap urgh

There’s no point in being upset.

THERE DOESN’T NEED TO BE A POINT  
STOP LYING TO YOURSELF

Kokichi.

yeS?

Why are you acting like I’m a person now?

BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE?  
WE BONDED THROUGH TRAUMA

Do you know how many clips of you they used to prove I deserve no rights?

please tell me you’re kidding

I am.

ok that’s a lie

There’s no fooling you.

It’s me. I’m the raccoon crawling in the dumpster, the shame is the garbage i feast upon

It’s fine, I didn’t really have a chance at being considered a person anyway. Everyone did it. Literally even.

??? literally?

Oh right, you were dead. Don’t worry about it.

youre not gonna make me watch it to see what you mean are you

I’m not telling you. You can ask Shuichi or Himiko.

i’ll tell you what being a human pancake was like in exchange

I don’t want to know that.

drat  
wait why shouldn’t i ask maki

She doesn’t like talking about...that either.

ohok  
do you hate me?

I’m talking to you?

like apparently you’re fine with being sold like a puppy so you’re hard to place!

I’m not fine with it, just realistic. I don’t hate you, either. Find you incredibly annoying?  
Yes.  
If I hated people who made robophobic comments I’d hate everyone.

do you know how depressing that sounds

Beep boop, what are emotions.

still not funny!

Payback. I told you it wasn’t funny first.

Okokoksheesh  
r u scared

No.

i h8 liars

Keep hating.

there’s gotta be something we can do?

You can drop it? Talk about literally anything else?

so when I switched places with Kaito-

NOT THAT EITHER

oh i got the all caps!  
achievement unlocked

How’s everyone been?

other than worried about your metal ass?

Other than that.

pretty ok. still can’t really go out in public without someone recognizing. hoodies are very in for our friend group.  
shuichi’s got a stupid hat on again. we’re managing. Miu thinks i stole your arms and that’s why you aren’t answering  
can you tell her i didn’t steal your arms

You didn’t steal my arms. Just my hands.  
Are the nightmares getting any better?

hahahahahahahahahahahaveryfunny  
No  
i can’t go to the preserves aisle without wanting to vomit, it’s great!

One upside to not needing sleep.  
Are you seeing anyone about that? You should.

‘Oh therapist i’m a rich lad that feels like i’m oozing and can barely breathe when I see jam’  
‘have you tried not looking at jam?’  
‘thanks i’m cured!’

That’s a no then.

wow you’ve gotten good at this

You should still go. They’re free. Dying is traumatic.

i’m not going to tell some random asshole who probably watched me die why i am traumatized by dying

They have people who don’t watch for that reason.

bet they’re all liars  
hey wait a second YOU DIED TOO, you don’t get to judge me

I didn’t get crushed by a hydraulic press.

YOU BLEW UP

It was a self destruct.

LIKE THAT MAKES IT BETTER?  
oh hey does that make us suicide buddies  
we can get t-shirts

No. That’s just weird and overly morbid.

you’re no fun  
Jk you don’t even wear shirts  
you ever feel like you’re dying again

Sometimes. It’s disabled so I can determine it's actually impossible and calm down.

see, bonded by trauma  
gotta keep a light on when i sleep or i think i’m there again  
it sucks

You need to get a new hobby and make some new memories so your brain has more options to pick from.

says mr locked up in a lab this whole time

Thanks for the reminder.

sorry  
i try not to think too hard so i just say shit

I hung out with Miu. I’m used to it. Still, go do things. Tell me stuff everyone else is doing.

that bored huh

I’m reading a lot.

if you let me tell people you’d have more people to talk to

I already said no, okay? Stop it.

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnne  
btw when kaede finds out (and she will find out) you swore me to secrecy

You’re the only one who knows, so she won’t.

she could steal my phone!

She isn’t going to steal your phone.

she’s super good at reading over people’s shoulders!

Your lies are getting worse.

i’m not lying!  
ok i am w/e

You and Kaito doing okay? You two were avoiding looking at each other when we…stopped being dead.

oh yeah. he felt bad, i felt bad, it didn’t work but it’s fine now. not being dead helps.  
maki will kill me if i steal her boy though so…  
not toooooooooo chatty

Please don’t kidnap Kaito.

kidnap? OH THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT

Kidnapping is what you call stealing another human being though?

keebo i know you’re serious but you’re killing me right now.  
there is no literal stealing involved.  
promise

In my defense it’s hard to tell with you.

robot has a point  
anyway. I will return  
i must go and make a evil secret organization  
as the one i remember does not actually exist  
which is a shame since i miss people that aren’t real hahaha  
then we’ll break you out and spray paint a building or something  
It’ll be great

Enjoy your grocery shopping.

well if you WANT it to sound boring then fine, i will.

**Thursday**

i know you aren’t doing anything  
but apparently you’re a chatbot and won’t start conversations  
SO  
when you can go outside  
i will give u shuichi’s stupid hat  
and you’ll dispose of it

I’m not going to get rid of his hat.

my plans to stop him from hiding his beautiful face, foiled again  
by the unexpected defiance of my most loyal minion

Is there something you wanted to say, or are you just being weird.

i’m always weird  
u can go outside soon right?

Should be decided by the end of the week.

i don’t like how you said decided  
try again

You’re the one that lies, not me.

THAT’S NOT HELPING

I can be petty about how I get revenge.

jerk  
even though you just said you’re not a liar  
youre lying  
you probably had to look up the word revenge in the dictionary

I did not.

did u talk to maki

Yes. You shouldn’t have badgered her into texting me, that’s just rude.

u called yourself a printer i had full right to sic her on you  
u know ur thankful for it  
hiding from everyone because you don’t want to upset people when you’re a mess

Gee thanks. You don’t seriously want to hear it.

yes i do  
i feel alone and afraid and i can do w/e i want  
so idono how yur coping

That’s why you should take the therapy.

this isn’t about me! i’m not letting you change the subject!

I don’t know what you want from me.

to say how you’re feeling??? so we can help?????

My feelings don’t change anything, we went over this.

they still matter. you’ll just feel worse if you hide it  
cus i don’t think you’ve had anyone on your side over there  
people who made you are assholes

They’re not assholes.

did u tell any of them you’re scared

They’re aware of my opinion.

did u tell them yur SCARED

I’m not scared.

l i a r

Okay fine. I’m terrified. Are you happy now?

did you TELL THEM THAT

No.

TELL THEM? YOU OVERPROTECTIVE APPLIANCE.

I don’t want to tell them.

why not

They can say yes even if I tell them, you know.

well you claim they aren’t assholes so they WON’T if you TELL THEM

It’s not that simple for me, okay?

yes it is! you don’t like it, Danganronpa is the enemy and all they gotta do is say no, u said they can prove they can’t have you

I don’t get rights just for existing.

or maybe yes you should?????

Why are you arguing that? Do you think it’s funny?

this is very not funny  
but apparently I need to make robophobia remarks on your behalf because YOU ARENT FOR SOME REASON

I had my character arc and accepted what I am, remember.

no I was dead  
also thats really not funny  
you still suck at jokes  
go back to the ones where you threatened to sue people  
they’re nostalgic  
i know you’re there

I don’t want to play whatever game you’re up to.

im not playing anything

I know you like lying but can you just stop? I know you don’t really care.

why do you think I dont care  
who filled your head with lies  
who must I set my legion on minions on

You told me yourself? Repeatedly?

we arent fighting for our lives anymore ok  
dont need to convince you I’m the mastermind  
im sorry I didnt trust you  
i didnt trust anyone  
it was a really easy thing to pick at to push you away so i used it  
i thought you were with the mastermind

Because I’m a robot.

yes  
robophobia strikes again  
the people I thought I could trust died first i wasn’t taking any chances

Well you weren’t wrong, I was just a gimmick.

it sounds really bad when you say that  
why aren’t you ranting about it or something  
it’s like you agree with those assholes

What I think doesn’t matter, so getting worked up about it is pointless.

why do you think its pointless

Ask Shuichi.

do you want to talk to him about it

No, I don’t.

why

This is why I don’t get you. I’m not falling for it okay? Just cut it out.

ok then why did you tell me if you won’t trust me when I say I’m not lying and want to know

Do you really want me to answer that.

YES?????

I figured you’d hear it, make another joke about it and drop it. Since you already know I’m not a person.

i think I should be offended  
like I get it, you didn’t really have any downtime from in there to out here  
still  
u really think that little of me? kaito told you how much i hated the whole thing didn't he?

Almost everything I knew was a lie, all the people I know and recognize are living lies.  
And you, the one who lies to try and get the best outcome is suddenly on board the ‘robots have feelings train’.  
Excuse me for being skeptical.

what evil goal could I possibly have here? it’s over, we’re done. don’t have to lie to you guys as much.

It’s fun for you.

card games are fun, little jabs are fun. setting up some long con to mock someone isn’t fun  
you think I was going to wait until you said you’re grateful for support and then mock you for it??? im evil not an absolute monster.  
do you want me to call and say sorry? is that more real to you?  
have you thought this the whole time???

I wouldn’t be able to tell anyway. You’re good at lying and I’m still terrible at guessing moods.

we should have forced you to the group therapy

Didn’t kill anyone or get killed by someone, I’m exempt.

gonna have kaito and kaede tag team for ‘shit we didn’t think about dealing with because we were busy going IM NOT DEAD’  
gonta can make little butterfly cookies or something  
we don’t tell miu until the last second because she’ll bring things

Do they talk to you often? Considering...well you know.

not super often. interests don’t match much but well  
you’re right in that we only really know one another, and don’t recognize anyone we might have known before  
which is super awkward  
angie keeps thinking someone’s breaking in but it’s their parents  
probably going to move out  
took gonta to a natural history museum tho  
bugs are nicer when they can’t get you. I guess. he was excited?  
u gonna say anything or you just on listen rn  
maybe you’re looking for a power outlet or something  
miu was incredibly offended you answered me and not her btw. so might have played up being unable to make understandable sentences, but you answered me because i never make sense anyway  
might want to remember that when you see her. she’s pretty put out that everyone’s back but...also not back  
oh and himiko is on board plan ‘fuck your stupid meetup you have made me forget agreeing to’  
so that’ll probably be fun, having zero winners show up  
which is against contract but eh. maki’s already looking for lawyers

You know, being able to make one final choice and still have it invalidated is frustrating. So good for them.

figured you’d agree  
talking from experience?

It’s not like someone else self destructed me. The self part is key.

Mmmmmm. you’d rather have stayed dead?

I’ll update you on that in 72 hours.

ok I did not expect that answer  
that’s pretty dark keeboy not gonna lie

Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to then.

oh I want to know the answer! even if i dont like it  
since you know we all care about you?  
I am noting a pattern in the questions you don’t answer!  
and you haven’t met Ryoma’s new cat yet  
you’d love it. its small and fluffy but can claw your eyes out if youre rude  
you can have a purring contest with it

Are you his new cat?

NO  
im much cuter thank you

I doubt this. Based on pictures cats seem adorable.

spurned again  
will my heartbreak never end  
wait did you imply im soft and fluffy  
im touched

It was more the ‘small’ and ‘claw your eyes out’ parts.

oof right for the heart  
though they are admirable qualities I’ll take it  
so when’s the last time you’ve seen someone

36 hours ago?

thats kind of a long time

Not really.

ok when’s the last time you had a conversation. In person.

Does it matter?

humour me here i have hunches that need crunching

4½ days ago.

so if you hear an explosion that will be me coming to shake sense into people. i can get miu to make it and tenko can throw it  
you saw someone and what they just looked at you and left?

I didn’t have anything to say. It was just a check in.

you’d greet everyone at breakfast

I should know these people and I don’t. It’s easier not to talk.  
You said it yourself, it’s awkward

four days tho

I bet you haven’t talked to anyone face to face in that long either. I just don’t want to.

i have so! tenko even threatened to flip me  
cus i tried to swap himiko’s old hat with shuichi’s stupid hat  
i would have gotten away with it too, if i remembered she had a door alarm

She has a new hat?

well yeah we can’t go in public dressed like before, and the hat is kind of obvious  
i should hate that outfit but i can’t bring myself to burn it  
cus i guess it’s literally ‘part’ of me thanks to SCREWING WITH MY BRAIN urgh why can’t i just dislike it

You answered your own question there.

yes indeedy i did

How much do you know about inventions thanks to Miu?

what is this forbidding aura  
i am at a precipice and only the correct answer will satisfy the guardian

Forget it.

nononononononono  
i don’t know a lot  
she blathers about it a lot tho so. more than I want to know

Do you know what she does with all the inventions she’s done with?

are you trying to lead me into an unflattering comparison  
only i choose when to make unflattering comparisons

It’s a question.

i doubt this!  
but ok we’ll play along  
she tries selling the idea or just keeps em all, or pawns em on people  
it’s barely been a month so we haven’t drowned yet  
yet i know she will kill us all  
ok it’s not that bad it’s more plans than actual things

Okay. Thanks.

what are you worried she’ll get bored of you or something  
like she’s a kinky bitch but i don’t think she’s gonna just decide i am bored of the robot, better never talk to him again

That was a reach and a half.

OR WAS IT  
(it was not)

If you say so.

i do  
so now i need to actually watch that tripe  
since whatever it is that happened  
i need to know  
and u won’t tell me  
as the trauma is too much

I already said you can ask two other people if you really want to know.

yeah but it’ll be what they think about it  
might not say the part that bothers you, since they aren’t you or anything  
is why you wouldn’t ask kaito what it was like when i got crushed if you wanted the true gooey details

I wouldn’t ask you that either. Why do you keep trying to tell me it.

cus you all deserve to know the absolute joy of it  
i have to remember it so i’m dragging at least one of you with me

Charming. Don’t worry, it’s obvious enough that no matter how they tell it you could probably figure it out.

a trauma shared is a trauma halved!

That’s not a saying.

trauma is totally a problem, you need to be more accepting keebo

I’m taking a walk.

okiedokie  
text if you wanna  
don’t have to wait for someone to speak first  
dont care if it’s rude or w/e  
(it’s not rude that’s why you have our numbers)  
(to use them)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When everyone's fragile, It's hard to know if you're near a breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure I'd actually continue this one since it was pretty self contained but the vaguely hinted plot nagged at me so here we are.

**Sunday**

using my peerless intelligence i have noted the passage of time  
aka it’s been seventy two hours and i’m goin where’s my update  
since i have absolutely not prepared anything  
that would take out cameras  
or any other silly alarms  
if i just so happened to need to steal something  
that is vaguely keebo shaped  
while cutting every set of tires i see  
definitely have nothing like that  
ok you’d usually object to such a thing  
so you’re ignoring me  
or you can’t answer  
i’m rooting for being ignored!  
u can drop an emoticon or something if that’s what you’re doing  
ok so my plan to blast you with ringtones has been thwarted  
since it goes to voicemail.  
which you haven’t set up btw  
but the texts are goin so idk  
i’m still banking on ignoring  
or you left your phone behind  
can you leave your phone behind?  
or is it like actually attached to you  
i was picturing you tapping away like we do with our fleshbag fingers  
but maybe you can just think at it like magic  
no you said it’d get taken away  
so no computer magic for you, stuck with us lowtech organics  
answerrrrrrrrrrrrr meeeeeeeeeee  
ok i’m going to do some dark magic  
the most foul and horrific of things  
if u don’t answer, your phone will be forever fouled  
by this most horrid of things  
you will just go ‘why, why could he do such a thing’  
‘it is madness!’  
the things i do for love  
ahem  
last chance  
no?  
Ok  
RISE AND SHINE, URSINE  
i could hear it in my head you better appreciate that  
do you want the second half?  
I didn’t give you leave  
the underling union will hear of this

**Monday**

Sorry, I’m functional now.  
I kind of forgot I’d even said when it’d be settled, or I’d have said something. I wasn’t thinking too clearly.  
I’m just letting you know that yes, I also heard it in my head.  
I strongly considered turning back off.  
I’m just going to have to delete all that message history.

good, suffer with me  
i will accept your explanation of why you decided to be the closest thing to dead in penance

I wasn’t close to dead, more like sleeping deeply.

uhhuh, because you’re the expert on sleeping. the guy who literally can't

I just needed to not be aware for a little bit.

and why was that  
u should find pity in your wiring and explain instead of trying to play it off

That’s kind of personal?  
I apologize. I left you thinking the worst, I was really out of it.  
Though please never type that line again.

my hands are forever tainted  
It was like they lived again for a slight moment when i typed that curse

They did live a second time by the way.

WHAT  
they killed em, said there’s only one of each  
AND BROUGHT THEM BACK  
why did you curse me with this knowledge  
i had a happy life once, not knowing that

Well yes, they needed them to pilot the Exisals again  
They all died again before I did.  
Though I suppose they’ll be brought back for another season even if I pretend ‘this show does not exist’.

why’d they need those?

Why are we even thinking about that stuff.

we’re gluttons for suffering  
that and you’re avoiding answering again

Okay I know the ‘survivors’ must have given you all a rundown on what happened but I’m starting to wonder how abridged that was.

well it’s not like we super wanted to know  
you guys found proof kaede did not actually do a murder  
found out who the mastermind was  
learned everything was fake, which is kind of ‘no shit’ when telling it to people who could have fit in a soup bowl

That’s just disgusting.

that’s humanphobic i can’t help i’m a meaty bag of water and pointy bone bits

You have complete control over referring to the state of yourself after dying.

touche  
annnd you blew up the mastermind so they could escape

Well that is probably the most abridged version you could get.

lets be honest they only told us so we’d know why theyd act like startled cats every time we saw the mastermind  
and explain why people might or might not have beef based on what happened  
and well. kaito apparently decided i was a sidekick now too so he kept defending the shit i did  
if you tell him I appreciated it I will deny it forever btw  
i have an image to uphold

Well he did kill you, even if it was your plan.

well yeah. he shouldn’t feel guilty. maki killed me first!  
but that’s kaito and his hero complex for you  
so you gonna tell me what happened or am i spilling my guts alone today

It’s hard to explain since you don’t really have context.

well u see you can provide the context  
im a genius I know

The mastermind came by to try and convince the people here to change their minds and I didn’t take it well, that’s all.

so im meant to buy that just seeing them made you want to be dead to the world?

No, that’s just what happened, essentially.

well I was kinda expecting you to say WHY it was that bad instead of handing me an incident report or w/e you call that explanation

I really don’t like thinking about what happened in that final trial. It was bad.

ok so the things are related  
so something happened to you during that time  
and it wasn’t blowing up because you don’t care about that  
since you drop that like no big deal

You mention things that bother you all the time. You just pretend you think it’s funny.

whaaaaaat no I dont  
i am the pinnacle of honesty  
even my lies are honest  
either way i know you don’t you just get all cagey  
and change the subject

The phrase ‘pot, meet kettle’ comes to mind.

SEE  
idono can you make a comparison or something  
a hint  
i dont want to watch itttttttt  
ok how were you a gimmick then  
since apparently being a robot is not enough of one in a DEATH GAME

That’s sort of the thing I don’t like discussing. Really, just...ask someone else.

ohho, a clue  
giving me a game to play  
can I find the truth without having to watch anything  
we will see  
though I will need to disable my dr blocker  
ew

You made one of those?

no i bullied miu into making one  
autohides anything that’s got Danganronpa in it  
doesn’t work if people don’t name their files correctly but at least I don’t have to see the official trash  
breaks a lot of stuff but I don’t want to see it so w/e

So you told her it might be a good idea for everyone and she made it.

stop minimizing my evil efforts, minion

That was pretty thoughtful of you, actually.

silence!  
my selfish motives must not be tainted by thoughts of friendship  
people might get the wrong idea!

I can’t comprehend why you want to be perceived negatively.

oh but do i want to be seen that way?  
the world will never know

I certainly will never know. The ‘evil’ thing is at odds with how you actually feel, I think.

nah you just logic too much  
and i am chaos  
totally makes sense, don’t fry circuits over it

No, I’m fairly certain you are not making any sense.

u know what else makes no sense?  
the fact it’s been a month  
and no one told me  
THAT I MISSED BIG ROBOT FIGHTS  
i will not watch them, on principle  
but i was tempted  
u were holdin out on me the whole timeeeeeee

I was unaware you didn’t know that happened.  
If it helps you can say your plan and attempt to end the game at any cost inspired said robot fights.

see i knew you were a good minion, doing my dirty work  
avenging the failed plan with meyhem and explosions  
that was all your idea

It was.  
The mastermind was not pleased, judging by the faces made.

good  
did they try taking that out on you yesterday then

Something like that.

whoops the robot hit the word limit  
u gonna tell me or gonna sit there while i puzzle it out  
cus i will figure it out  
my evil network has contacts from all over the globe  
i had monokumas number on day one tyvm

Well if you know about the fights, you probably read what the gimmick was so you don’t need me to explain it.

i might have  
whatever let em do that’s gone now though, right?

I had assumed so.

so it wasn’t  
and she did something?

A ‘demonstration’ on a machine’s loyalty.  
...I think you can figure the rest out yourself.

hahaha wow i didn’t think i could despise them more  
yet here i am!  
did the people at the lab look for it while you were off?

They’re pretty sure they got it.  
Who knows though. A machine can always be hacked.  
They all no longer question my dislike of someone ‘just doing their job’ though.  
So I suppose that’s an upside.

well you go ahead and cling to that upside i’ll be over here being disgusted  
i know you’ll probably just downplay it or try and ignore it  
but you reeeeeally don’t have to?  
like i’m not going to disagree with a angry rant about it

If I start I won’t stop.

well i know you won’t tell anyone else  
best thing is no one believes a liar!  
so vent your little metal heart equivalent out

It won’t be pleasant.  
Are you sure?

i swear you got a little popup box that asks that  
and i am sitting there clicking ‘yes’ fifty times and it still pops up  
yes i am sure i want to hear your traumatic experience  
otherwise you’re going to hide it and eventually someone’s gonna say something that reminds you of it and we’ll all feel like shit

Okay. If you would rather not associate with me afterwards, I understand.

think you might be overestimating yourself there  
since i kind of doubt you secretly love killing and left a bunch of corpses everywhere  
we went through some sick murder game together  
everyone still puts up with ME and i was intentionally trying to be seen as the bad guy  
well until we’re all stable enough to make new friends  
which is impossible since we’ll be ‘that character from the show’ to everyone, hilarious

Of course we do, you had a reason for it.  
The whole time I was just a puppet doing what it was told.  
The one time I didn’t they just took my will away from me.  
I thought it wouldn’t or couldn’t happen again.  
Yet it did.  
I could have seriously hurt someone against my will.

well you aren’t exactly a doombot keebs

I’m flight capable and equipped with a cannon.  
I can be incredibly dangerous if I want to be.  
She could have made me kill someone. I couldn’t do anything to stop it  
You should not minimize this fact.

i somehow doubt anyone is blaming you for that  
i bet you fought it

I couldn’t fight enough.  
You were always right, the whole game long.  
I never mattered. I just shut up and do what humans want.  
That’s why you build something. To do something.

you know that’s not true  
after all, i said it  
you even made a big important choice on your own  
so you can think for yourself. been doing it for a month now

Right, the choice to give up on being accepted in order to end the mess we were in. They couldn’t make me lose confidence and reconsider.  
The choice that made the others fear me. The choice that made them question who the real ‘me’ was.  
Shuichi looked at me like he expected me to kill him on the spot.  
After all, I was clearly damaged and had ‘gone berserk’.  
Oh wait, no that’s not it, it was a carefully considered heartless option, which I explained.  
Yet it’s easier to just nod along and say I wasn’t myself.  
The only time I was myself.  
Everyone was much friendlier once I was properly leashed again. They’re going to figure that out eventually. Am I really your friends? I wasn’t me! I don’t even know who I am anymore!  
Why am I telling you this.  
I shouldn’t have told you this.

cus you know ill listen, fellow shit stirrer  
don’t worry you’re def the insecure robot I ridiculed the whole time  
have you seen your own texts  
you’re always worried more about everyone else  
idk how your voice thing worked  
but considering they had to break you to do something you didn’t want to do i doubt you were that different

I was going to let everyone die to end it.

and I made everyone suicidal and stole Motivation Man  
got u beat, tin can  
notice how neither of us are doing stuff like that when we’re not in a death game run by homicidal bears  
what a coincidence  
surely circumstances were completely unrelated

The people who work here were very concerned that I willingly chose stopping the game over human lives.  
I’m not meant to do that.  
I was specifically taught to avoid violence when possible.  
I can’t human correctly, and I can’t robot properly either.

could totally argue you were minimizing suffering by ending it. after all there was ‘nothing’ left beyond being messed with  
could even blame me for that!  
that and you basically did what you planned to anyway after all was said and done so  
weren’t really wronggggg

It still means I’m not the robot they expect me to be.  
I’m broken.

were all pretty damn broken  
well other than me, I’m perfect as always  
gotta look after my underlings though

You replace things that aren’t worth fixing.

good thing you’re worth fixing then!

I’m not sure that I am.  
It would be far easier for them to just restart the project. Then they can have the robot they intended to raise instead of whatever mess I ended up as.

well if they kill you for not being ‘right’ then they aren’t really reaching their goal of a person.  
shit happens to people and we have to deal. Can’t just go get a new life off the shelf.  
have they mentioned doing that or is this just your self loathing talking

You can’t kill something that isn’t alive.

self loathing it is!  
i of course would know nothing of that  
for I am fantastic with zero negative traits  
certainly never wonder what might have gone wrong or ‘if only I’d done this differently’ when I can’t sleep  
yet somehow I know that you’re probably thinking about all that way harder than literally anyone else

Are we at the part where you say nice lies to make things easier.

rudeeee, i hate liars

Excluding yourself.

Im a special exception

I shouldn’t have told you any of that. I’m still out of it, I guess.  
You’ll be asking me ‘which k1-b0 I am’ within a week.

yes you should have  
need someone to kick you out of that loop  
course you’re uncomfortable and worried after that  
that’s not a bad thing  
life thing

I’m still expecting you to say all that’s a lie.

well you’re in for a long wait!  
tho you should tell the lab goons that  
u said they aren’t assholes so they’ll want to help

Why are they goons now?

any robot minion of mine should come with a goon squad

I don’t know what I expected.

something profound maybe  
anyway, big ol group meeting tomorrow  
you’re coming

I can’t just leave whenever I want.

you have a mouth  
say you have plans and you’re going out  
if you can’t we’ll just all come to you

I don’t really want to see anyone right now.

i know you stupid rustbucket  
that’s why it’s mandatory  
been isolated too long  
you’ll remember we’re all idiots and you’ve worried too much

I’m pretty sure I didn’t hide that I am tired of being forced into things.

yeah. in a robot way.  
this is in a ‘you have asshole friends who want the best for you’ way  
very human  
good research

I still don’t know how I feel about this.

see, it’ll be good practice  
Idono if you really, really don’t want to  
can’t really force you  
but you should  
before miu makes a way to break in and sets off every alarm in the building  
actually if that happens get me the video  
probably hilarious

I’ll...consider it.

kk see u tomorrow then

I haven’t agreed yet.

you’re not going to bail on people looking forward to seeing you  
you’re too much of a softy for that

I feel like I know you less the more I speak to you.

it’s a gift!  
taaaaa

**Wednesday**

Kaito told me something very interesting yesterday, and I’m wondering if you can guess what that might be.

well it must be very exciting since you broke your never talk first protocol  
but yes it’s true, he’s cheating on me with Maki, the bastard

You lied to me.

i lie to everyone keeboy, this is not news  
u gonna tell me kaede loves music next?

Kokichi. I will only ask you this once.  
Why did you pretend you didn’t know?

know what. have to be a titch more clear here. I tell a loooooooot of em

You know exactly what I’m referring to.

nope doesn’t ring a bell

Then do not contact me again until you figure it out.

oooh scary

~~did you seriously block my number~~  
Not delivered  
 ~~yes you did. shit~~  
Not delivered

**16:30**

good thing I can just swipe someone else’s phone!  
ok I didn’t swipe it kaito just owes me for opening his BIG IDIOT MOUTH  
he says he’s not an idiot but apparently he’s in a lying mood today too

You get one message.  
I’m not playing along with you anymore.

okfine  
you obviously didn’t like people knowing what happened so  
just let you keep assuming I didn’t

You went out of your way to act like you didn’t know what I meant when I referred to it without realizing.  
You must have been laughing how easily I fell for it.  
I fell for it, trusted you and told you things I shouldn’t because of another one of your lies.

you wouldn’t tell me or talk about it if you knew I knew  
so it was better that way  
so I ‘looked it up’ since you wouldn’t say so yourself, prove I was interested  
It wasn’t just to fuck with you ok  
it's like the only thing you'll confidently talk about  
i had to get started somehow?

All you had to do is say Kaito told you.  
Yet you chose to lie. You made up an entire story to lead me along and get what you wanted.  
I bought it. I trusted you. I told you-  
You apologized and I took it like an idiot.  
How can I know if anything you said was true if you lie about something as simple as knowing more than you let on? So you can USE IT later.  
You set me up, you knew what to say.  
Are you like her? Do you like seeing your stupid puppets dance?

i was trying to help  
and that’s a seriously low blow wtf no i am not lying as entertainment  
well not about serious stuff  
it was a little lie  
i was worried ok

Sure you were.  
Your little bit about caring was totally real too, I’m sure.  
Don’t talk to me.  
I'm not the brightest but I'm not falling for the exact same trick twice.  
I’m done with being manipulated.

i didn’t lie about keeping the issue a secret  
didn’t lie about things you asked  
if I’d mentioned i knew you would have closed off again to avoid it  
i wanted you to tell me yourself  
it’s the only way I could think to help  
since you want to protect everyone else

Well you got what you wanted. Congratulations.  
Give Kaito his phone back and do not talk to me.  
I want nothing to do with you.

ok  
sorry

Woah okay what did I miss

Stay out of it.

Well half of it’s kind of on my phone now…  
Man I’m sorry if I made you two fight, we got enough problems

You did nothing but tell the truth.  
Do not regret informing me some trust I gave was founded on a lie.

Like I don’t know what’s up but idono you might be a bit harsh...we’re all gonna make mistakes like this ya know

My mistake was letting my guard down with a known liar who is much smarter than I am.  
Do not defend him, I have no interest in how he’s in the right for fooling me completely.

I don’t think he was lying maliciously you know, he ditched me after giving the phone back

So you wouldn’t hear him laughing.

I wasn’t getting that feeling from him. Maybe you should believe in him a bit?

No.

Keebo…

It was nice to see you all yesterday.  
Thank you for your honesty.  
I advise you ignore issues that do not matter.

Well anything that causes fights is kind of a big deal, there’s so few of us…

Understood, I will strive to not be a source of conflict with the rest of the group.

That’s not really what I meant man. It’s just not a good idea to be against some of the few people that’ll understand, ya know?

I will manage.

Well if you need help or whatever just let me know yeah?

It is unlikely I will require help, but I’ll keep it in mind.

Right. Great. Good talk


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does one go from serious topics to hats and robot humour?  
> The world will never know.

After some consideration I have decided I was overly harsh to you.  
I apologize. The conclusion I reached may not have been correct, even though it felt obvious to me at the moment.  
Sometimes I forget I do not process information like all of you do, and it was wrong of me to act out like that. Moreso after you expressed that you had not meant any harm.  
I should not have accused you...of being like them. That was cruel.  
I am very sorry.

wow a whole novel just for me!  
is nbd, you’re the one who was all upset  
and you lasted like what. three days. before being all ‘oh no’  
like i meant it when I said you can be upset  
even if it’s at me!  
tho yur right i’m nothing like cos-bitch  
you actually feeling better or just ‘behaving’ to make things easier

94 hours and 33 minutes.

you kept TRACK?

Yes. It is easy when you are always aware of the time.

creepy  
so why the apology  
coulda just went ‘unblocked you’ and left it

Typically it is considered polite to apologize when you wrong someone.  
I know most people do not bother with this step, but I appreciate it.

ah there’s the sass  
and typical not answering the question  
also kaito freaking out that our fearless leader caused a fight was hilarious  
got him to grab some snacks for me from his desperate need to make it up to me  
so we can totally still be fighting

I have already informed Kaito that my part in our dispute is over.  
So I’d advise you find another reason to get him to do things.

do I detect disapproval  
you didn’t even tell me off for doing that  
you’re totally still mad

I was in the wrong and made an error. I’m not angry.

your lies are still terrible  
so I pissed you off by hiding i already knew what happened later in the game  
you gonna tell me how you got from that to ‘manipulated intentionally’  
or we just gonna pretend it doesn’t bug you anymore

I’m over it.

yes you are good at rewording the same lie  
gold star for the machine  
do you want me to say it  
are you secretly the biggest fan of twenty questions

I can understand not accepting the apology.

ah see  
the others think the robot is too innocent to be devious  
but I know your sneaky ways

I still don’t get you. It’s done with, why do you want to keep poking at it.

ok so you want to go with option two  
we’ll play pretend until you snap again

I’m not going to snap at you.

ooooh is that a challenge?  
I’m good at this game

It is not. I’m sure you could intentionally manage it.

no one lets me have any fun anymore  
anyway  
kiyo has still not noticed the pile of hats in his closet  
day five of hatmeggedon

Why is there a pile of hats in Kiyo’s closet?

well that’s a secret!

Let me rephrase.  
Why did you put a pile of hats in Kiyo’s closet?

why not put a pile of hats in his closet, hmm?  
it’s a great hiding place

Oh. So that’s what you did with Shuichi’s hat.

baseless gossip  
i set fire to his hat  
it is in hat hell, where it belongs

A lie. You wouldn’t destroy someone else’s belongings, no matter your posturing.

that is like the most condescending way to say you think I’m too nice to destroy a hat  
and I totally would, im terrible remember  
It smelled awful  
so much dandruff

That’s why you take Gonta to natural history museums and zoos. To be terrible.

i got him dead that’s worth a few museum trips

You’ve gone every week.

ok who’s the narc  
ive got an IMAGE here who’s fucking it up

Gonta didn’t want me to be angry with you since you’d been so nice to him.  
The one with you cowering from a butterfly is rather nice.

foiled again by his unstoppable good will towards all  
a regular menace he is  
and that butterfly was a secret assassin sent to poison me  
totally understandable reaction  
besides we always have to leave after like an hour or two since he kinda sticks out, so really it’s only one visit

You sure spend a lot of time denying positive things you do.

image! It’s important to we fleshbags!

You didn’t make that image. It got written into your brain.

ya know if you’d been this observant in trials you might have actually solved things instead of following everyone else  
is who i am now!  
don’t fancy trying to figure out who i used to be

You’re avoiding the things bothering you just as much as I am.

naaaaahhh  
nothing bothers me!  
i bother everyone else, silly

I can see through that lie, you know.

i thought you said you wanted lies c:

...I keep forgetting how you loop around to get to your actual goal.

Im very good at it

Every time I think I get you I don’t.  
Being similar to you is frustrating.

pffft i’m nothing like you  
polite, friendly, quiet? nope  
and the whole not some metallic automaton thing too

Selfless because you want the best for everyone? Yes.

nope  
I am selfishness incarnate  
i just haaaaaaaate losing  
so you can cram the mushy stuff

Sure, that’s why you let Kaito crush you so he could save Maki’s life.  
Out of selfishness.

pffft no, I had him crush me for a perfect murder  
keep up toaster i know you were there  
if i crushed him my poisoned corpse would have made it pretty obvious who was in there  
flipping the mastermind off was the goal  
maki not dying was a bonus

A bonus? When she’d come running in there to kill you for no reason?  
Yet still you go for a difficult plan instead of letting her die knowing she killed Kaito.  
Perhaps flipping the mastermind off was the bonus?

well you’d all know the mastermind wasn’t me if I did that, duh  
jig was up anyway, might as well give em a good kick on my way out

When you gave Kaito the antidote you chose to die for them.  
You could have easily convinced him that you killing him would save Maki and maybe everyone if we couldn’t tell who was hidden in the Exisal.

one problem with that guess  
absolutely no one would think kaito would willingly kill someone  
let alone in a hydraulic press lol

You had a camera. You could mimic being Kaito.  
You even had a tailor made reason: having to save maki from being the culprit.  
Yet you chose to die and handed the plan to him.

you’ve been thinking about this a lot huh

Yes.  
If you just wanted to win, staying alive to see the victory would have mattered.  
Yet you never even wanted to play. No one did.  
I don’t think that choice was selfish.

sure  
i think you might be forgetting all my setup  
being able to go ‘fuck you’ was totally winning at that point  
i got gonta to kill miu, remember? got off scot free?

For your mastermind gambit.  
As I recall, you intentionally sabotaged your own plan by saying who the killer was to keep everyone from dying.

well duh. everyone includes me!

It would have ended the game on your actions, though.  
But that isn’t what you wanted.

with the way you’re going on people would think you liked me or something

Oh how the tables have turned, I believe the phrase goes.  
You’ve always wanted the same thing I did.  
Our methods just differ.  
...Even then they don’t all that much considering the whole blow up the school thing.

after you got brain damage.

After I lost my brain damage.

ok fine it is kind of annoying being on the other side  
and i will never admit to such foolishness  
i have minions and underlings not friends  
a good leader takes care of those that’s all  
that’s a lie you’re all disposable  
especially piles of junk like you

Have you tried to figure out who the nine people were?

uh topic change hello  
and no????  
why would i look for people who don’t exist  
that doesn’t make sense even for me

They had to be based on something in your old life, it makes it easier for your brain to ‘buy’ it.  
So you probably had a group of friends that you were the ringleader of.  
Sure it’s no prank conglomerate but people looked to you at some point.

what spending all your free time on ‘how we fuck up your favourite character’s heads’ or something  
why would i look for people I don’t remember  
got enough of you idiots to keep me busy as it is  
don’t need some weirdos that know me but i don’t know them

Well if you change your mind I’ll help you look.  
It might be comforting, or something. To at least have an idea of what you forgot.  
I have well. Everything about my old self here.  
It’s weird.  
Old me lied a lot.

you did? Mr. can’t lie if his life depended on it?

Shuichi is never going to let me live that down.

and he shouldn’t it was yes or no question and you flubbed it so hard that i didn’t even need to call out his lie  
It was THAT BAD  
so how the heck did you forget how to lie

I’m not sure. Just that before now I learned that if I gave the answer they wanted I’d get what I want.  
So I’d just...say what they wanted. Even if it wasn’t true.  
I wasn’t exactly the most morally conscious robot.  
Part of me is glad to know that?  
Since I think I like myself better than that version. Usually.  
You might feel the same? I don’t know.

small spoiled robot huh  
can’t really imagine that honestly  
must be weird to read about it

It is.  
I’m still struggling with how to feel about it, I guess.  
It might help with the resentment. Unless you like your past self.  
With how you seem to be trying to ‘help’ everyone else and ignoring your gripes.

what kind of whack job signs up for memory loss and murder games  
nope he can stay dead thanks  
that’s just the leader’s job  
i’m everyone’s meaner ruder kaito that yells go back to work  
instead of being all inspirational

A meaner Kaede then?  
She’ll actually tell you to get your act together.  
Kaito will just hang with you while you figure it out.

point taken  
clearly i’m teaching my minions too well  
they’re getting notions

You seeing anyone about the nightmares yet?

did you tell your goon squad you’re having an identity crisis?

I did, actually.  
Where do you think I got all my past logs.  
So are you?

  
drat i didn’t think you actually would  
guess they don’t count as friends  
i miscalculated

If you get to bother me into doing things, it’s only fair that I can do it back.

urgh fine  
when it does nothing i get to take it out on you

I could have set Kaito on you, but I didn’t.  
Odd that he thinks you don’t even remember dying.

you wouldn’t

Well I am a terrible liar.

im so proud, the tin can has learned how to blackmail  
soon enough we’ll be doing grand larceny  
but i will absolutely rip your fucking head off if you tell him  
since that won’t actually kill you  
does that kill you?

I figured as much.  
I’d rather not tell him, I think he’s been taking it better thinking you don’t even remember it.  
Just another one of your lies told with good intentions, I suppose.  
And I don’t think it would, no.

head knocking off it is  
it could join the hats in the closet

Why Kiyo’s closet anyway?

he uses his dresser most of the time  
soon there will be more hat than closet  
kinda figured he’d have noticed by now

Are you breaking into his apartment just to do this?

whhhaaaat noooo  
i was invited the first time!  
even brought a yay you aren’t a creepy serial killer cake

I’d say ‘you didn’t’, but this is you. You absolutely would.  
And you survived?

my nerves were threatened  
but he could not catch me  
clearly, more proof any serial killer memories are lies to be forgotten

You know he might not really appreciate being reminded about that stuff.  
Even if it’s fake and he doesn’t have some evil ‘sister’ in his head anymore.  
It’s not pleasant, having voices in your head that aren’t yours.

well all the more reason to spend more time figuring out how to keep me out!  
he hasn’t even replaced the lock yet  
it’s like he’s begging for more hats  
i can pick it in my sleep

I’m just saying you don’t have to be the bad guy to help with things.  
Being liked isn’t a bad thing.

maybe I just like being evil robutt!

Right. Hats are the pinnacle of evil.

glad you finally agree

You should give his hat back though.

no it is dumb and ugly  
and hides his face  
which is a crime  
i am saving him from that dreadful crime

He likes to wear it, it’s not like he steals your shoes because he doesn’t like them.

my shoes are perfectly fashionable  
and he doesn’t like that stupid hat  
he likes HIDING behind it

He can do that if he wants you know.

nuh uh  
hes emo enough as it is  
no hats  
ok ryoma can keep his i guess  
matches the cat

Emo is short for something? Emotional? Is that bad?

we need to get you a slang dictionary  
ask anyone they will say he dresses emo

I’d rather not. It sounds like an insult of some sort.

no if I was insulting him I’d say he dresses like a bruise

I suppose he does tend towards the dark end of the colour spectrum.

he’d probably rather set himself on fire than wear a nice pastel colour  
too much trying to not be noticed  
SO NO HATS  
maybe I need to get kaede in on the plan

The plan to keep stealing her friend’s hat.

no the plan to drown you in a lake  
OF COURSE THE HAT PLAN

I don’t think she’d help with that.

courSe she would  
i know you couldn’t read the air if it put up a lit up signboard  
but she totally thinks he’s cute  
hat is in way of cute  
so she’ll totally be down

Is that the reason why you want to steal it?  
And I can so! Usually!

pft no  
i just hate hats, especially when they are marring a beautiful set of eyelashes  
also no. you are extra terrible at relationships  
pretty sure that is a documented fact

...So you do think he’s cute?  
Since I’m pretty sure that was a lie.  
I don’t think he looks much like a baby animal.  
That is usually what I get when I look up cute?

yeah you see  
all that  
proof you are really, really, REALLY bad when it comes to some things ok

You could explain it instead of just saying I’m bad at it, you know. Educate instead of humiliate?  
Learning from almost zero is hard okay? Emotions are difficult enough as just reactions to things.

it’s like the only way you’re funny, im not stealing your one joke from you  
you can bug hats for humanity for lessons

I think you mean Kiyo?

see look! learning already

He’s good for long lectures and for how people all over react to things but he’s not exactly the best for more specific things.  
He gets into the subject and I lose him halfway. Yet I cannot interrupt him, he enjoys it too much for that,

if he’s trying to teach you he’ll slow down if you say something

Interrupting is rude.

be rude then  
you sad excuse for a transformer

I’m pretty sure emulating your behaviour is just as bad as emulating Miu’s.

that and you don‘t understand half of the crude things Miu is saying.

I know more than I’d like.  
I wouldn’t want to repeat something I shouldn’t.

miu has tainted even the emotionless robot  
her hornyess knows no limits

I do too have emotions!  
They’re just confusing!

well duh if there was no way to piss you off it wouldn’t be fun!

For you, maybe.

wait have you ever even laughed before  
i don’t remember that happening  
do you know how to have fun  
do we need to teach keeboy what fun is

Of course I know what fun is.  
I just don’t take joy in tormenting other people.  
Which seems to be your favoured method.

oh shots fired  
ok so yes, understand fun  
do you have a creepy laugh  
Is that why no one’s heard you  
or maybe you have some evil supervillain cackle

I don’t generally express emotion that way. It’s noisy.

oh man  
you don’t know how to laugh  
you've never laughed in your entire little robo-life  
this must be remedied  
maybe miu can embarrass you into it

Please don’t put that idea in her head.  
I can be happy and content without laughing, thank you.  
You do enough for five people.

well you do have zero sense of humour  
this will be harder than expected  
multiple steps required  
Are Robots Too Logical To Laugh: A Study  
it’ll be great  
miu and i can have different hypotheses

Well you’re certainly making me concerned.  
That and your sample size is far too small for a title like that.  
To imply all are like one would be very robophobic of you.

you can make some blog posts about robophobia or something  
group learning  
something something expanding your horizons

I can’t make a blog.

uh. yes you can  
like you’re not the brightest bulb in the box but i think you can navigate a website

They all ask if you’re a robot when signing up.  
I am one, but there is no yes option.  
Apparently robots are banned from many account making tools.

omfg  
you let those stop you  
actually yes i can see it  
i am dying  
just imagining  
just click the no box you idiot

That would be a lie.  
Perhaps I do not want to associate with a place with such blatant robophobia.

help i’m choking  
because i tried to take a drink  
and read that  
priceless  
i am framing this

I’m glad my difficulties cause you such amusement.  
Though for someone who is choking you certainly type quickly.

they mean bots that spam sign up for things and don’t think  
not ais  
if you’re smart enough to know to click the button you pass  
that’s it. that’s all it means.

Well then they should word it that way!  
You can’t assume they don’t mean it to apply to me.

miu says ‘click the fucking button you virgin’  
she’s right and she should say it

She’s with you?  
Or are you just assuming what she would say.

Miu is down for plan  
she’s totes jealous that you don’t need her maintenance help anymore btw  
you can tell i’m right because she keeps telling me to shut my fucking gremlin mouth  
fglkfdsoijkffDSFDAaSXVB22q  
IGNORE THE LIAR SHRIMP  
impossible  
great now my phone is covered in sluttybitchprints

If you didn’t want that you wouldn’t have let her see you were messaging me.  
Also, though I know this is pointless, don’t be mean to Miu.  
It’s not nice, and you should be nice to your friends.

you sound like a preschool teacher  
even though she’s plotting against you  
even as we speak she’s thinking up Devious Plans  
with pictures even!

...I should probably stay home until you two get bored.  
Go back to stealing Shuichi’s hat.

i already stole his hat  
we’ll just break in  
or you know just show up and be all ‘oh our friend is lonelyyyyy’  
easy in

I’ll find a reason to be busy.

oh you can be busy  
we’ll still show up  
i’m very convincing  
oh hey, remember when we were talking about cute things?

I have the notion that I’m not going to like this segue.

miu thinks the noises you make are cute  
so mystery solved, things that are not baby animals can be cute

Miu...Why did you say that. In Kokichi’s presence…  
Now I’m alarmed and embarrassed  
This is not an enjoyable combination.

oh you should be afraid  
very afraid

I’d say something like you’ll never catch me alive.  
Yet I have the notion that you’re both more stubborn than I am.  
Maybe I can hide behind Maki.

ha, like she could stop me  
besides! you like learning new things!

I do not think I will want to learn this way.  
You are both...people with powerful personalities. Who take things rather far.

it’ll be funnnnn!

Only for you I think.

nah miu will have fun too  
u gonna tell her you don’t want to hang out cus you don’t need her anymoreeee?

That’s not it and you know it!  
So does she, for that matter.  
Besides it’s better that I don’t need to ask her for help all the time.  
She has a life too.

uhuh  
oooh maybe I’ll get to see the cool robot stuff  
since we both missed out

...I don’t particularly like those features.  
Yet I suppose that’s better than whatever you’re plotting.

we’ll be there sooooooooooon

I already have regrets.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the 21st.  
> Time to have a leader and a robot fuss over one another via text :v  
> (I really need to stop just randomly deciding this needs more content)

the most horrible thing has happened  
Shuichi has located the dread hat  
and is once more under its dark influence

I am the wrong person to tell this if you want sympathy.

well duh you’re a robot, you don’t know what sympathy is  
you know the worst part  
i have learned my most horrible foe turned an ally to it’s dark purpose  
yes, someone has fallen to the darkness  
AND THEYRE A STUPID VENDING MACHINE

Yes, I told him where to get his hat. No, I do not dispense food in exchange for money.  
As no one needs to pay a robot to do something.

hey i’m busy trying to guilt you stop making my joke depressing  
now i have to steal it again  
and he’ll be watching for it this time  
so you owe me

I am sure I could find a reason that it was in fact payback for you owing me for something, if we really want to play that game.

watchu tell him for  
he told me he traded for it  
spill  
i require the tea

You have a kettle.

i can never tell if you really don’t know the slang or youre screwing with me

Good. I will take any advantage I can get.

tellmeeeeeee

I simply asked if he was frightened of me.  
You might have been able to figure that out yourself, I have mentioned it to you before.  
So it was a good trade for me. Besides, you like stealing things.

lame. I coulda told you the answer to that

The answer was yes, by the way.

OH.  
really? huh  
clearly im out of practice

You had to be there to understand it, I think.

well i had the gist  
didn’t think you could actually scare anything that wasn’t a kitten  
tho i guess shuichi is like a sweet little kitten  
WHEN HIDING UNDER THAT STUPID HAT

I would advise you to simply say that instead of committing theft. I told him as much, though not in reference to kittens. As that is a little weird.

wait am i competing with the robot now  
betrayed twice over

No? He is more confident without his hat, and I think that is better for him than giving in to the want to hide. So I told him that.

phew.  
like sure i’d ship it but i was there first  
and i’d owe rantaro lunch

You have lost me entirely.

I know and it’s adorable.  
never change keeboy

I am changing every day? Much like humans do?  
I am going to assume that is another weird phrase.  
I did have a question for you though.

i might answer it!

I think I might have offended Himiko?  
I blame you for this, as I would not have thought twice about saying what I did to you.  
I forget how twisted you can be sometimes.  
So I wanted to ask you about it.

this has got to be good  
what the heck did you do  
did tenko flip you????

It was via text, so she could not reach me.  
Tenko did send me an emoji illustrating it, so I assume I am honorarily flipped.

a-m-a-z-i-n-g  
i corrupted the robot  
no point denying youre my minion now

I didn’t mean anything by it! Well, nothing mean, it was in jest.

what did you say comeon i’m dying here

Humans are constantly in a state of dying, even if I do rush.

rude, flexing your fleshless privilege  
are you gonna tell me or not

Himiko mentioned having trouble not insisting everything she did was with real magic, since she decided she did not like that trait and wished to stop doing it.  
So I told her it was okay if she struggled with it, and wished her luck in that.

AND????

Are you aware how hard it can be to type on a heat sensitive screen with metal hands?

so you spent all that time telling me off instead of finishing

Yes. Out of sheer spite.

ive created a monster  
sassy spite bot is on the loose and denying the tea

I also told her that she shouldn’t need to worry about it too much, as all of us were as fake and manufactured as magic was.

Niishihishiholyshit  
like i see what you were trying to do  
but that is SAVAGE  
true but youactuaillySAIDIT _wow_  
i take back every time i said you were getting better at humaning  
my sides hurt now

She cursed all my oil to have a sour aftertaste. If it worked, I would not know as I do not drink or otherwise taste oil, but I did not tell her that.  
I might have overestimated others' general comfort level regarding our shared trauma.

just a little  
maybe a titch  
lets just say i’d be running out of the room if i yelled THAT  
kaito might actually hit me again for that one

I need to talk to people who aren’t you more often, clearly.  
I was built in a lab, so being manufactured is just normal for me...though I suppose it is an insult to humans.

#robotproblems  
srsly don’t overthink it too much  
she’ll get over it

Kaede actually asked me if you had stolen my phone.

OH COME ONNNNN  
ok i’d totally do that  
but that phrasing? no that is 100% a keebs thing  
and i wouldn’t be going OH NO I’M SORRY owo plz forgive  
which i bet is what you did once she told you she cursed you

I did not use all capitals but I did apologize.  
Can you explain how it’s an insult? I know the fake part is a bit of a sore spot, implying as people we’re not as real as the people who watched the show or our original selves, but we’re all like that?

‘hey buddy ol pal just walk into this minefield for me!’  
thats what yur saying  
need to install mercy.exe or something

You could just say no if you can’t or don’t want to.

no it’s more there is no way to explain this in a way that won’t hurt your little metal feelings  
there’s a reason i said dont overthink it  
BUT YOU DID ANYWAY  
ya stupid clunker

Ah. Right.  
I suppose messing with the human mind so their behaviour changes is generally seen as wrong.

youre looking things up aren’t you  
why does no one listen to the smartest guy in the room

I was simply unaware it was insulting because it was ‘lowering’ the human mind to that of a computer. As humans are just naturally superior because they don’t think in binary, or something.

see i knew that’s how you’d take it  
you don’t like having your AI messed with, right? it’s the same thing.  
no one likes knowing their identity is something someone else made up

We all know that though?  
That fact will not change regardless of any personal feelings.

some of em are trying to just ignore that little tidbit  
you’re the one always saying humans are irrational  
so just file it under that or w/e you do

I’ll remember that and try to be more careful then. I do not see how it is possible to ignore it though.

denial is a hell of a drug

I suppose that is how you kept the ‘I am totally enjoying this horrible death game’ act up so long.

that sure was fun  
feels real good getting to the point that even when i did slip people thought i was faking distress cccc: cus of course im lying!

Not that you’ll tell anyone that isn’t me that. For some reason.

hey no one believes a liar  
cept dumb hunks of metal  
and kaito because his idiot ass saw it

You could try being more honest with the others.

and you could try not being a talking computer  
oh wait no you can’t because THATS WHAT YOU ARE

Did someone upset you?

me? upset?  
you jest. I am perfection  
nothing bothers me  
i am unshakable

All of that was a lie. Your...I suppose ‘jokes’ did not really read as amusing.  
Can I help with whatever is troubling you? Your ‘coping’ is more bitter than usual.

bitter? I don’t even drink coffee  
only soda and tea up in here  
with twisty straws  
i was gonna lord that fact over you  
but you don’t drink anything so it’s no fun now

Are you frustrated that people cannot tell if you are lying or not, or frustrated that you cannot stop lying?

who are you my therapist  
im neither of those things tyvm  
supreme leaders of evil have no time for that  
i can just blame a minion for stress relief with bonus evil laughter

I am simply guessing based on the context of ‘that’s what you are’. As using it in comparison to me being a ‘computer’ means you think it is something you cannot change, on some level.

or maybe i was just making fun of the stupid robot  
by calling it a computer  
that’s overthinking things and probably overheating  
As its an outdated pile of garbage that thinks it can feel

You know I do not appreciate being called ‘it’.  
You are deflecting with insults again.

prove it, machine

Pushing people away with insults is what you do. You have told me as much yourself, when not in this sort of ‘down’ mood.

nope im just bored of being nice to a thing  
it used to be funny but now it’s so sad even i’m starting to feel bad about it

I suppose I would be the only one stubborn enough to deal with you when you are lashing out.  
You are at your home?

why would i want some pushy pile of junk in my apartment

As I said before, your lies are getting worse.

thanks

**Thursday**

Did you actually go to your appointment?

what appointment

The one you had a crumpled bit of paper for in your trash can.

oh no the robot’s a creepy stalker going through my trash in a desperate attempt to learn my every move  
soon they’ll follow me everywhere and kill all those who get close to me  
out of sheer mechanical jealousy

Well, you’re feeling strange this morning.  
You had recyclables in the wrong bin, of course I figured I could clean it up.

shoulda put yourself in the bin while you were at it

My battery would make me hazardous for regular waste disposal.  
So did you go?

urgh you were way easier to shake before  
yes  
but as you know this, i will have to kill you  
those are the rules

I doubt you could do anything to kill me even if you wanted to.

oh i want to very much keeboy  
you’re the only one i can do it to since you’re just a machine  
my vengeance will be swift

Even as a lie, that was uncalled for.  
Did it not go so well?

how can the truth be uncalled for huh? aren’t we real big on truth?  
don’t like being reminded you’re nothing? too bad

Yes is a complete sentence.

oh wow, so impressive that you figured it out  
maybe if you keep it up you’ll get to keep pretending to be a person  
that’s what you like, right?

You are going too far.

am I? or maybe i’m not going far enough

You can just say you aren’t ready to talk about it instead of...saying those things to make me angry.

what if i’m not just saying it to make you angry, huh?  
maybe i’ve decided to be honest all the time!

Fine. Tell me what it was like to get crushed then.

wait what  
you keep moaning about not wanting to know that  
who are you and what have you done with keebs

You’ve decided to be honest all the time, so go ahead.  
Maybe hearing about your agony will make your rudeness bearable.

hdhdjfbs  
who taught you how to call bluffs  
fuck em  
I’d say fuck you but miu has that covered

Well at least you’re feeling good enough to make nonsensical accusations.  
So? Are you going to tell me?

Gdi  
no  
can’t really go into details without freezing up like some stupid sheep  
hate it  
therapy sucks and I still get to blame you

Was that so difficult?

YES  
now you owe me double tin can

I think I am still ahead of the owing game after you had Miu disable my legs.

that was funny  
and you totally zapped me for that  
which is so wrong, mr no violence

I really should have killed all the survivors.

????????okay

You said I owed you.  
So there. You can have that thought that’s been troubling me.  
Since you insist you care when not trying to keep everyone away.

well now  
i guess i did say that  
good thing i was already dead!  
or that might have come off as ominous!

It would have ended everything much quicker.

well yeah  
but you’d probably feel like garbage for it

I would have gotten to skip having to learn my thoughts came from survey questions.  
Oh, and not needing to have my consciousness forcefully ripped to shreds is another upside.  
I ended up being a killer regardless.

r u telling me this to try and get me to spill my guts back  
cus it won’t work  
I don’t fall for my own ploys  
unless presses are involved then they literally spill everywhere!  
that was fun

Not really.  
That’s still disgusting by the way.  
I just figured you might know what to do about unfairly resenting people.

wah, me? resent people?  
never  
you can’t resent idiots that are too stupid to know why you’re annoyed by them!  
that’s like kicking a puppy or something  
i’m evil but not puppy kicking evil

They insisted on that trial. I...understood why, at the time.  
Now I just. Wish I’d killed them all.  
Maybe Shuichi is right to be frightened.

oi that’s hindsight  
u don’t think i regret a ton of the crap i pulled  
or things that are SO OBVIOUS now but i didn’t catch in that hellhole  
think yur special robutt?  
hating those bad choices hurts less since ya know  
we’re alive enough to hate them  
which helps a bit :v

I suppose.

questioning me? bold for someone with wires for brains  
we didn’t know it was all ‘pretend’  
or that we’d survive it

Logically yes. It is more entertaining to them if we all think it is real.  
Yet I’m still. Angry? No, that isn’t the word.  
Disappointed that if I could do it again, I’d kill them. It’s selfish.

sucks to have feelings and be irrational huh

Yes.

good thing you don’t have those!

Of course, you’d know best.  
Only someone unfeeling could pull off getting Gonta to choke the life out of Miu.

ow  
you wound me  
a torrent of tears is my only answer to that cruelty  
we’re really screwed up huh

I’d say that was accurate.

eh  
we’ll just blame those sickos and figure it out

You might.

nope. minions have to come too  
i’m a terrible boss like that

I think most of us have secrets we’d need to let go of to really be comfortable around everyone.  
I do not know if you agree, but I would rather not have them know about this.

oh boy a secret i can dangle in front of his face but not tell him!  
that’s always fun  
he gets intense when detectiveing

I suppose he might find it amusing to know you do have a face under all that bluster. Or when your next appointment is.

once again i have taught you too well 3CP0.  
curses  
keep your secrets, tin man

I always do.


End file.
